Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
