im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
