...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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