I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
