i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
