Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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