It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize