I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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