I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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