I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
