i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
