Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
