News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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