I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
