upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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