I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
