I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
