Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
