Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
