I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
