Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just had sex on a roof
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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