Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just googled if crying burns calories
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
