I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
