I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
