saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
