My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
