Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
