oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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