just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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