Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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