I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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