I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize