My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
