just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
