Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
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