if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize