i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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