I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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