Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
