If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
3 2 1 whiskey
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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