bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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