Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I intend to get homeless drunk
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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