dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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