so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
