I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If I die, sorry about rent.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
