How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
