she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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