i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
