That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
