The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
