First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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