Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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