The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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