oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
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