there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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