My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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