there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
