I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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