Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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