Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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