I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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