eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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