sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
